On Friday Ad was absent, because she needed to go to work. And I got to spend the whole day with the new girl and M. And I really don’t have good news about her. Every single thing Ada feared is true. She treats us people with an ED here as people to exchange useful weight loss tips. She invited me to fast with her today. She’s behaving inappropriately and she makes fun of everyone. She called her self harm scars her “trophies” and she called herself a psycho. Which is even more inappropriate seeing as I have psychosis. I could talk about what she said and did for way too long. Let’s just say I will keep my distance and I won’t let her mess with my friends’ well being. She could have a very bad influence on each of us.
I see I was feeling very unstable writing the last message to you. I still believe I’m a failure, as I continue to fail at life, generally. But those tests don’t really change that, regardless of if I did well or not. Right now I’m just curious what the will say about me. And I’m also afraid that maybe the results will come out as contradictory to my diagnosis. I’m always afraid they will call me a fake. Even though I’ve never lied about my symptoms. But still, I feel fake enough by myself, if the doctors call me a fake too, then I won’t know what to do.
-October 27, 2018
Outpatient in Poland, in this specific hospital, works like this: everything here is for you. You don’t have to attend any “lectures” or take part in any exercises. You just need to be here in the morning when they check your blood pressure, and on Monday and Friday to talk to doctors, while they ask you questions to determine if you’re stable. Being here is a privilege. You could technically not attend any lectures and exercises, but then what would be the point of you being here? If you miss like 3 days without telling the doctors why, they will kick you out of the hospital to make space for someone who cares and wants to be here.
Again, I don’t want to sound rude, but I’m relieved Adam’s getting discharged. I like him, but he’s difficult. He want to talk with me, he has trouble talking with us all. It’s as if he can’t concentrate on talking with more that one person at the time. And that’s hard to deal with. I almost feel like I’m babysitting him when we talk. He’s a good guy, but not necessarily the best fit for me.
This woman in the hospital said the rules in another hospital she was in were so strict. I wouldn’t like that. For me the most beneficial factor of outpatient is being surrounded by people who get me and just talk and hang out. So there are those lectures, and that’s nice, but that’s not all. I can just not go if I don’t feel like it. I go the hospital even when I don’t have to. Like last Friday it was a holiday. There were just a couple of people on the ward, but I went. I stay there hours after everything ended, just to sip my coffee and talk with people. So yes, everything is on you. You can do what you want. And in my opinion I’m using my time there to maximum, even though I don’t attend all exercises. Some people would probably see it differently.
I went to play billiards with Adam on his last day. Oh my god how pissed if I got. he acted like such a baby. He said the same stupid joke every time I took a sip of anything. And I got SO ANGRY. Everytine I wanted to drink anything I knew he’d say that joke again and I wanted to punch him in the face. And he wouldn’t let me talk with my friends, cause he interrupted EVERY FUCKING TWO MINUTS. Oh my god. And he started talking about having oral sex with his girlfriend, like what the hell? We were talking about riding busses and cars and he said “my first girlfriend had a car too. And she wanted to have sex with me. But I was afraid cause I was a virgin. So we just did oral sex and oh wow what haven’t we done”. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL WHY ARE YOU TELLING THIS TO ME. Ugh sorry. I got carried away. But I was just so angry, jeez.
-November 4, 2018
My self esteem improved! In school I was always the stupidest one who didn’t know anything at al. Now I’m not more stupid than others. And I even know some things they don’t! I have a driver’s license and my friends don’t. I’ve done something they haven’t! It feels so strange yet amazing to not be the most useless, stupid, pathetic, least reliable person in the room for once. So I feel a lot more confident. That of course makes me fear university and jobs, because I’d go back to being useless. But right now, at this moment, I am not and I’m enjoying this. Only 4 weeks more until I’m discharged. I wonder what will I do. Will I shit myself in my flat again? Or maybe friendship I made here will last? I wonder. I almost don’t want my time here to run out. And this surprises very much.
Ah I’m so excited! I can’t wait to get them!
-November 7, 2018
Well I meant to say “will I sit by myself in my flat again”, but autocorrect made it “will i shit myself in my flat again” and I find it very funny 😂
-November 10, 2018
Ad was at my place practically the whole day, and I had so much fun. I wasn’t tired too much because of her presence. And the time flew by so quickly. This is insane that I can feel like this. When anyone but my bestie visit she me I literally pray that they go away. Not this time!
-November 11, 2018
You see, before I was accepted into the hospital I used to only sit at home. I’d read and play games and sing and draw. The only time I’d leave my house was to go food shopping or with my mom when she played tennis. The only people I talked to were my parents and my mom’s friends. And at the time I thought that was just the way of life I wanted forever. But now I’ve discovered such a positive community exists; I got accepted by people and I actually really enjoy my time there, and I found a perfect balance in 5 days of hospital and 2 days break a week. But even for weekends things have changed. Even after I leave the hospital we text each other with my newfound friends. With Ad we even discuss things as silly as what we’d like to dress the next day, and we like to match each other. On last Saturday Ad actually spent almost the whole day at my place. Things have changed. And now I’m scared to go back to that life from before the ward. Will my friendships last? Will Ad, J, M and others I haven’t introduced to you by names, still be interested in spending time with me, even though we won’t see each other as often? Will I even be able to accept their invitations if I get into this “only-stay-at-home state of mind”? I can go back to the ward in 6 months. That’s the polish law. I might do that. But 6 months is a lot of time. From the very beginning I knew that I will have trouble adjusting to the life at the hospital, and then getting used to my previous life. And that’s exactly what’s happening. I hate changes. They scare me. I know they’re necessarily and you can’t avoid them, but I just don’t like them. What am I supposed to do in 3 weeks to not go back to locking myself at home? Because only now can I see that even though I thought I was fine, I was actually miserable.
-November 12, 2018
I will meet up with this girl I told you was bulimic on weekend. I was hoping you could help me with this new girl. As an observer you will have your thoughts about our relationship. And when I’ll tell you how things look, you will see them differently that I will, because I will probably be blinded by anxiety and emotions. You will be able to see past this and help me realize if this friendship is toxic or not.
November 17, 2018 at 06:51am
A few things happened. A week ago I went to a friend’s house. A friend I know from a hospital. I don’t remember where I left off, but now our group of friends, our squad, is made out of 5 people. We hang out together. So all of us visited a friend to watch movies. That was the first time in 2,5 years I went to a friend’s house. I was so nervous, I actually canceled our plans the first time. The next time though I managed to go. It was fun. Really. Although I did fall asleep for one full hour in the arm chair. But no one seemed to mind. The thing about people from the psych ward is that they (me included) get rid of our boundaries like that. We walk just in socks in the hospital. We sleep on the couch. We put glitter all over our faces and walk like that all day. We make funny things and even go out like that, because who the hell cares. I feel like being mentally ill gives me a pass to act in ways that would seem inappropriate or something for the people who are not sick. And I like it, because if I do something like that, people would probably just thing “ah right. They’re mentally ill. That’s why”. But at the same time this is such a shame that you need to be ill to give yourself a pass to just be yourself. Everyone should feel entitled to it, no matter their mental state. As long as they’re not hurting anybody, why not?
I got angry. Really angry like 2 weeks ago. This one girl actually argued with me, saying that there are only to genders and that thinking you’re anything else is a mental illness. She was so rude, she said that me being in a mental hospital is also due to my gender. That they will make me “well”. I will not respect her opinion. I will respect a person’s opinion as long as it doesn’t disrespect anyone else’s existence. Our conversation couldn’t have lasted more than two minutes. But I will admit it, I said fuck you to her. After those two minutes I was done. I broke a pen in half and I left. That day I didn’t have my car so I called mom to pick me up. I had to wait, so I went to a neighboring building and waited there. Apparently my fiends and a few other people looked for me everywhere and they were really worried. I did not expect that. I didn’t mean to make them worry. I didn’t think anyone would care. But I felt loved by them that day. I think I get it. They were worried that I’d hurt myself. But no, that was never an option. There are a few people not worthy of making me cut myself. I refuse to have a permanent mark on my body caused by such an ignorant asshole. She is not worth it. But I wonder to hurt her. Really wanted to.
Oh by the way, the made my stay at the ward longer. They said two more weeks, so that’d mean until the end of the current week. But I don’t know what they’re planning exactly.
December 12, 2018 at 08:37am
Oh wow it’s been a while. I’ve been real busy. Thanks for checking on me! I will be officially discharged in a week. So not just yet. I’m actually sick today. So I haven’t been to the ward. But tomorrow I’m going.
So I am getting discharged on 28th of December. But the next week, since it’s Christmas, on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday we don’t come to the ward. So really about a week left for me. They talked with my mom about my diagnosis (is what she said, because I wasn’t there). That they don’t think I have schizophrenia, because I can think logically. I don’t know about that. What about, let’s say, John Nash? My mom told them her friends know people with schizophrenia working on important things and they’re able to lead, and generally smart people, but they think those people are misdiagnosed.
Still! Can you imagine being told you’re too smart to be schizophrenic? What does that even imply? Schizophrenic people can’t do important job? I feel personally offended. And also when I came to them and told them my symptoms, they told my mom I can’t be schizophrenic, because no one with schizophrenia would do that. So where does that leave us? Once again the misinformation stating that schizophrenic people can’t know they’re schizophrenic, which is bullshit of course. I’d expect that kind of thinking to be found in a person who never had any experience with mental health. Not the fucking psychiatrists!
-December 20, 2018