Psych Ward XII; Last Part (Taken from messages to my therapist)

Yes, that’s the only reason. They made me take 3 tests. The first one was determining people’s emotions from just their eyes. There was also this one when I had a minute to give, of the top of my head, words starting with a version letter, then all the sharp objects I could think of, and one more thing like that. I can’t remember, but something similar. The test for logical thinking was that I had to find matching cards. And that was the test testing your logic, because you needed to figure out which card matches the other one. Ok, I solved things like that in life kindergarten. It’s not that I’m a genius, I definitely am not, the test as just extremely easy. And after that test they almost sure it’s not schizophrenia. From what I read people with schizophrenia can be capable of thinking logically. Even my psychiatrist told me so. This whole thing is ridiculous. Basically they tell you that all schizophrenic people are stupid.

Sorry but I trust my therapist of 2 years with whom I talked hours talking, not those doctors that only ask me “so what are you doing this weekend?”

December 22, 2018

Now I see that I made it unclear that I did well only on the logical part of the test. Guessing people’s emotions from their eyes is kind of impossible. And I noticed that it’s the same with their voice. I can’t say if said person is angry or happy or what. I have no idea how I did on the third test. I only did well on the logical one.

I’ve been reading one book for 4 months. I couldn’t finish it, because I was constantly so tired. But the book is really cool. Did I tell you about what I’m reading right now? Because I find it interesting. One of my favorite books is the hunger games trilogy. And that’s because of it’s psychological side. And I love to follow katniss’ train of thought. And I love her cluelessness about love. Because they part of her overlaps with parts of me. When she has no idea how someone feels about her. Or what to do in those situations. Or just her putting survival over feelings and all that stuff. I just really don’t like the movies. They made everything so shallow. I regret seeing the first two movies and I’m glad I haven’t seen the rest. They kind of ruined the book for me a little.

So the hunger games are actually based on a different book. And that it Battle Royale. It’s a Japanese book. Which is why it’s so interesting. Because it’s written so differently from western books. You would think dialogue feel unnatural, but no! This is how Japanese actually talk. And those parts like this one; generally they are on an island that was evacuated so they can have a fight to the death and they are entering the hospital and the author actually felt the need to write “they should have taken their shoes off, but they didn’t”. I was laughing, because like, is that really your concern in this situation? 😂 or one of them was going through the drawers to find food and the other said “what are you doing?”

-“I’m looking for food”

-“so you’re stealing”

That is really also one of your concerns in this situation when your life in on the line? That’s just so funny.

And there was this scene when the girl tell a boy she loves him. Or so I think because the climate and they reactions would fit, but I can’t actually find where the heck is she telling him this. On those two emotional pages I understand every sentence, but all in all I just don’t see where. I have to assume she told him. Because I can’t tell for sure 😂 she probably said something that is equivalent to confessing in Japan, but I missed it.

December 30, 2018

I remember the fear, i remember how much I didn’t want to go. But the ward was nothing like in books and movies. And after 6 months I can go there again and i think I want that. I had fun. Right now I’m glad I got discharged, because I feel tired and I need to take it slow again. But after 6 months I will probably want to go.

I’m getting discharged.

January 1, 2019

6 months later~~

This is Livien here. It’s 14th of July and tomorrow I’m getting back to the ward. I’m terrified and I had a few panic attacks over it, and I really want that knife on me, but I have to be strong.

This time I won’t be adding posts about the ward. I wanted my first experience to be documented and I wanted to talk about it. Now I will add an update from time to time if something larger happens. Anyway thanks for reading, I hope you’ve learned something about psych wards.

Hang in there!!

Livien out!

July 14, 2019

Hey look! It a medicine for me!

Story Time With Livien – 24 Is My Magical Numer

I have 3 half-siblings. One of them is my brother with whom I lived together for a few years. He is 11 years older than me, u think. But I could never remember how old he was. I remember asking him once and his answer was 24. I had to be around around 13, I was still a brat. I remember that 24 so we’ll, I still told people he was 24 even 2 years later. At 24 he had a stable job, a loving fiancé, his own apartment, and ya basically had his life under control. He knew what he believed in, had his own opinions on things and he knew how to pay taxes and shit. I unconsciously made the number 24 kind of magical. I always wondered where in life will I be at this sacred 24 years old. Then the time went by, and I kinda forgot about the whole thing. It wasn’t something that I was thinking of anymore.

But my birthday was a few days ago. And, you guessed it, 24th birthday. I remembered everything I used to think about this number. I forgot I used to wait for it so impatiently.

You can say I’m making progress on my own, regardless of everything. And you’re right. But all in all you could see clearly that where I am isn’t nearly as magical and amazing as I thought it to be.

24 happened and in about two weeks I’ll be going outpatient again. I’ll try to make the best out of it, but with not bullshit, with no consoling me, if you were seriously look from my perspective, you could see why I’m disappointed. This is no place to give up. It’s just that I have to make it through those feelings and dreams I had to abandon.

Psych Ward XI (taken from messages to my therapist) with the tests’ results at the ends

On Friday Ad was absent, because she needed to go to work. And I got to spend the whole day with the new girl and M. And I really don’t have good news about her. Every single thing Ada feared is true. She treats us people with an ED here as people to exchange useful weight loss tips. She invited me to fast with her today. She’s behaving inappropriately and she makes fun of everyone. She called her self harm scars her “trophies” and she called herself a psycho. Which is even more inappropriate seeing as I have psychosis. I could talk about what she said and did for way too long. Let’s just say I will keep my distance and I won’t let her mess with my friends’ well being. She could have a very bad influence on each of us.

I see I was feeling very unstable writing the last message to you. I still believe I’m a failure, as I continue to fail at life, generally. But those tests don’t really change that, regardless of if I did well or not. Right now I’m just curious what the will say about me. And I’m also afraid that maybe the results will come out as contradictory to my diagnosis. I’m always afraid they will call me a fake. Even though I’ve never lied about my symptoms. But still, I feel fake enough by myself, if the doctors call me a fake too, then I won’t know what to do.
-October 27, 2018

Outpatient in Poland, in this specific hospital, works like this: everything here is for you. You don’t have to attend any “lectures” or take part in any exercises. You just need to be here in the morning when they check your blood pressure, and on Monday and Friday to talk to doctors, while they ask you questions to determine if you’re stable. Being here is a privilege. You could technically not attend any lectures and exercises, but then what would be the point of you being here? If you miss like 3 days without telling the doctors why, they will kick you out of the hospital to make space for someone who cares and wants to be here.

Again, I don’t want to sound rude, but I’m relieved Adam’s getting discharged. I like him, but he’s difficult. He want to talk with me, he has trouble talking with us all. It’s as if he can’t concentrate on talking with more that one person at the time. And that’s hard to deal with. I almost feel like I’m babysitting him when we talk. He’s a good guy, but not necessarily the best fit for me.

This woman in the hospital said the rules in another hospital she was in were so strict. I wouldn’t like that. For me the most beneficial factor of outpatient is being surrounded by people who get me and just talk and hang out. So there are those lectures, and that’s nice, but that’s not all. I can just not go if I don’t feel like it. I go the hospital even when I don’t have to. Like last Friday it was a holiday. There were just a couple of people on the ward, but I went. I stay there hours after everything ended, just to sip my coffee and talk with people. So yes, everything is on you. You can do what you want. And in my opinion I’m using my time there to maximum, even though I don’t attend all exercises. Some people would probably see it differently.

I went to play billiards with Adam on his last day. Oh my god how pissed if I got. he acted like such a baby. He said the same stupid joke every time I took a sip of anything. And I got SO ANGRY. Everytine I wanted to drink anything I knew he’d say that joke again and I wanted to punch him in the face. And he wouldn’t let me talk with my friends, cause he interrupted EVERY FUCKING TWO MINUTS. Oh my god. And he started talking about having oral sex with his girlfriend, like what the hell? We were talking about riding busses and cars and he said “my first girlfriend had a car too. And she wanted to have sex with me. But I was afraid cause I was a virgin. So we just did oral sex and oh wow what haven’t we done”. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL WHY ARE YOU TELLING THIS TO ME. Ugh sorry. I got carried away. But I was just so angry, jeez.
-November 4, 2018

My self esteem improved! In school I was always the stupidest one who didn’t know anything at al. Now I’m not more stupid than others. And I even know some things they don’t! I have a driver’s license and my friends don’t. I’ve done something they haven’t! It feels so strange yet amazing to not be the most useless, stupid, pathetic, least reliable person in the room for once. So I feel a lot more confident. That of course makes me fear university and jobs, because I’d go back to being useless. But right now, at this moment, I am not and I’m enjoying this. Only 4 weeks more until I’m discharged. I wonder what will I do. Will I shit myself in my flat again? Or maybe friendship I made here will last? I wonder. I almost don’t want my time here to run out. And this surprises very much.
Ah I’m so excited! I can’t wait to get them!
-November 7, 2018

Well I meant to say “will I sit by myself in my flat again”, but autocorrect made it “will i shit myself in my flat again” and I find it very funny 😂
-November 10, 2018

Ad was at my place practically the whole day, and I had so much fun. I wasn’t tired too much because of her presence. And the time flew by so quickly. This is insane that I can feel like this. When anyone but my bestie visit she me I literally pray that they go away. Not this time!
-November 11, 2018

You see, before I was accepted into the hospital I used to only sit at home. I’d read and play games and sing and draw. The only time I’d leave my house was to go food shopping or with my mom when she played tennis. The only people I talked to were my parents and my mom’s friends. And at the time I thought that was just the way of life I wanted forever. But now I’ve discovered such a positive community exists; I got accepted by people and I actually really enjoy my time there, and I found a perfect balance in 5 days of hospital and 2 days break a week. But even for weekends things have changed. Even after I leave the hospital we text each other with my newfound friends. With Ad we even discuss things as silly as what we’d like to dress the next day, and we like to match each other. On last Saturday Ad actually spent almost the whole day at my place. Things have changed. And now I’m scared to go back to that life from before the ward. Will my friendships last? Will Ad, J, M and others I haven’t introduced to you by names, still be interested in spending time with me, even though we won’t see each other as often? Will I even be able to accept their invitations if I get into this “only-stay-at-home state of mind”? I can go back to the ward in 6 months. That’s the polish law. I might do that. But 6 months is a lot of time. From the very beginning I knew that I will have trouble adjusting to the life at the hospital, and then getting used to my previous life. And that’s exactly what’s happening. I hate changes. They scare me. I know they’re necessarily and you can’t avoid them, but I just don’t like them. What am I supposed to do in 3 weeks to not go back to locking myself at home? Because only now can I see that even though I thought I was fine, I was actually miserable.
-November 12, 2018

I will meet up with this girl I told you was bulimic on weekend. I was hoping you could help me with this new girl. As an observer you will have your thoughts about our relationship. And when I’ll tell you how things look, you will see them differently that I will, because I will probably be blinded by anxiety and emotions. You will be able to see past this and help me realize if this friendship is toxic or not.
November 17, 2018 at 06:51am

A few things happened. A week ago I went to a friend’s house. A friend I know from a hospital. I don’t remember where I left off, but now our group of friends, our squad, is made out of 5 people. We hang out together. So all of us visited a friend to watch movies. That was the first time in 2,5 years I went to a friend’s house. I was so nervous, I actually canceled our plans the first time. The next time though I managed to go. It was fun. Really. Although I did fall asleep for one full hour in the arm chair. But no one seemed to mind. The thing about people from the psych ward is that they (me included) get rid of our boundaries like that. We walk just in socks in the hospital. We sleep on the couch. We put glitter all over our faces and walk like that all day. We make funny things and even go out like that, because who the hell cares. I feel like being mentally ill gives me a pass to act in ways that would seem inappropriate or something for the people who are not sick. And I like it, because if I do something like that, people would probably just thing “ah right. They’re mentally ill. That’s why”. But at the same time this is such a shame that you need to be ill to give yourself a pass to just be yourself. Everyone should feel entitled to it, no matter their mental state. As long as they’re not hurting anybody, why not?

I got angry. Really angry like 2 weeks ago. This one girl actually argued with me, saying that there are only to genders and that thinking you’re anything else is a mental illness. She was so rude, she said that me being in a mental hospital is also due to my gender. That they will make me “well”. I will not respect her opinion. I will respect a person’s opinion as long as it doesn’t disrespect anyone else’s existence. Our conversation couldn’t have lasted more than two minutes. But I will admit it, I said fuck you to her. After those two minutes I was done. I broke a pen in half and I left. That day I didn’t have my car so I called mom to pick me up. I had to wait, so I went to a neighboring building and waited there. Apparently my fiends and a few other people looked for me everywhere and they were really worried. I did not expect that. I didn’t mean to make them worry. I didn’t think anyone would care. But I felt loved by them that day. I think I get it. They were worried that I’d hurt myself. But no, that was never an option. There are a few people not worthy of making me cut myself. I refuse to have a permanent mark on my body caused by such an ignorant asshole. She is not worth it. But I wonder to hurt her. Really wanted to.

Oh by the way, the made my stay at the ward longer. They said two more weeks, so that’d mean until the end of the current week. But I don’t know what they’re planning exactly.
December 12, 2018 at 08:37am

Oh wow it’s been a while. I’ve been real busy. Thanks for checking on me! I will be officially discharged in a week. So not just yet. I’m actually sick today. So I haven’t been to the ward. But tomorrow I’m going.

So I am getting discharged on 28th of December. But the next week, since it’s Christmas, on Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday we don’t come to the ward. So really about a week left for me. They talked with my mom about my diagnosis (is what she said, because I wasn’t there). That they don’t think I have schizophrenia, because I can think logically. I don’t know about that. What about, let’s say, John Nash? My mom told them her friends know people with schizophrenia working on important things and they’re able to lead, and generally smart people, but they think those people are misdiagnosed.

Still! Can you imagine being told you’re too smart to be schizophrenic? What does that even imply? Schizophrenic people can’t do important job? I feel personally offended. And also when I came to them and told them my symptoms, they told my mom I can’t be schizophrenic, because no one with schizophrenia would do that. So where does that leave us? Once again the misinformation stating that schizophrenic people can’t know they’re schizophrenic, which is bullshit of course. I’d expect that kind of thinking to be found in a person who never had any experience with mental health. Not the fucking psychiatrists!
-December 20, 2018

Psych Ward Part X (taken from messages to my therapist Hannah, who is brilliant at what she does)

A day after I cut my leg I cut my arm. They ignored it the first day, and then the day after it was a different nurse and she asked if I disinfected the wound. I was in a hurry in the morning, so I did not and then the nurse did it and but a bandage on it. At least they did that. Especially since it’s as you say; it sends me a signal that I’m not important and they don’t care. And they shouldn’t send those signals, like come on, this should be obvious.

So I have cut myself two times. It’s been three days ago I think. Yesterday I had very strong urges, but I did not act on them. So I guess that’s my victory.

Ok I actually cannot believe what that therapist said to me on Thursday.

She said that when me, J, L, and Ad are together, it will be harder for us to get better. And that’s because we will egg each other on. That we will silently try to prove that each of us is sicker than the other. And that we’ve become friends because we have similar problems. Sure, we do. But that is not all that there is to it! We are similar age and we just have similar opinions, and sense of humor, and we just like our personalities. The way she said that implied that we are our illnesses and that’s all there is to our friendships. And I told her that if people with similar illnesses will always egg others on, then what the hell is the point of throwing all mentally ill people to one building for hours a day for a long period of time. Friendships are bound to be made. Are we not supposed to become friends with anyone? I can’t believe that is what she actually thinks. And sure, eating disorders can become a competition of who is thinner, but that is even between me and people without an ED, so technically to not be triggered I should not leave my home, because there is a chance of me spotting a thinner person than me on the streets. And yeah, if Joanna cuts I can become triggered to self harm. But then again, we help each other. We encourage ourselves not to harm ourselves and we share ways to stay strong and not do it. We’re working through it together. I told all of that to my new group of friends and they couldn’t believe it either. We are not fighting over who is the most sick. We help each other through it. I honestly think our friendship helps each and everyone of us. Friendships between mentally ill people can become toxic, but so can any other friendships. And we are going to be careful and make sure it’s the opposite.

L told me that she had therapy with that therapist too, but she requested a change of therapist, she said to me “you should walk out of therapy with some kind of wisdom, not anger”.

I will not change her, because I couldn’t bare the awkwardness, but I will have sessions with her 6 more times, and that’s it.

At school I was the stupid one. In the hospital I’m not. I know about video games and mental illnesses and such, and that knowledge means something! I think I’ve gained a bit self confidence. I think it would be crushed if I ever went back to school, but at this very moment I feel like I kind of deserve to have friends. Like maybe I’m not completely useless and I can help, or just laugh together, and spend time together, without fearing that I will make an idiot out of myself. I think that’s the difference.

The problem is that my methods of dealing with self harm urges work most of the time as for now, but not always. So it’s a gamble. It can work or not and I have no way of knowing beforehand which one will it be.

I remember thinking about a certain thing while falling asleep. Because something happened and it made it hard for me to stop thinking about it, so I tried to fall asleep quickly. But then I wake up and I’m not sure if it was a dream or not. So I checked my messages (because that situation had to do with a text message) and it was not there. So it seems it was a dream. But I remember thinking about it before I feel asleep so vividly.

This happens way to often. Situations like this one. It messes with my mind.

-October 20, 2018

And we have two young new people on the ward. A girl with bulimia who self harms, and a guy with bipolar. The girl seemed nice enough, but I talked with her for like literally 3 minutes, so I don’t know much. But yesterday I did not go to the hospital, and Ad talked with her a bit, so she says, because apparently the girl was making fun of self harm, she was proud to be a self harmer and bulimic, and she even said she’s like to have more mental illnesses. Well maybe this her mask or a defense mechanisms, but this is concerning. Ad fears the girl with trigger her bulimia, and mine too. And self harm behaviors too. Or she will make us feel ashamed because of those. I need to get to know her better to be sure. For now I definitely can’t take her to visit J. Because if she’s really like that, then we can’t risk triggering J. She’s too unstable right now.

But we did take that new guy with us, and we played a game together. Although L felt bad, and she wanted to be left alone, so she didn’t play. Anyways, the new guy; Let’s name him, because I really hope he becomes our friend. He’s name’s M, and he’s 33.

So there id this test. The doctor, she said it consisted of 4 smaller tests, but we only did 3, since she couldn’t find the things necessary for the last one, so she said we’ll do it another day. The first one was about determining people’s emotions based on their eyes, which was crazy hard. Then some logical game and I nailed it. And then saying as many animals names, objects beginning with ‘k’, and as many sharp objects as I could think of. I’ve no idea how I did on that. But I was so nervous I left the room literally shaking and with my teeth clattering.

Today while going to my car (it takes like 10 minutes) I had my head down and I was looking at the ground. I intentionally try not to do that, and hold my head up high, but today I couldn’t help it. I’m a failure and a disappointment and I want to stay at home forever. (OH.MY.GOD just wait until I get to the test results, this is unbelievable what they said)

-October 24, 2018

Psych Ward – Part IX (taken from messages to my therapist)

The truth is that I relapsed. I cut my leg. I put a bandage on it and went on with my day. It was yesterday that I did it. I couldn’t take it anymore. And yes, that was kind of planned relapse. Not that I planned it like making a plan for a day, but I’ve been thinking about if for days now, feeling it would come to this. So by ‘planning’ I mean it did not surprise me that I relapsed, because I was expecting it. And now I’m afraid I will do it again, and I’ll fall down into this spiral of self harm again, because I already can feel such a strong urge to do so.

I told the doctors about it. I thought to myself “hell, it doesn’t matter if I tell them. My psychiatrist is well known and respected here; no one will question his diagnosis or the meds he prescribed, so they can’t touch me. They won’t make me go inpatient, because I won’t agree. So I might as well tell them”. And so I did. They asked a few questions like “why”, “how deep”, “when” etc. and they let me go. They didn’t even tend to my cuts. They didn’t do absolutely anything. I guess I’m not important even if I do have fresh wounds. Huh.

That’s true. We did not attack that therapist. We were just upset, but not even because of her. More like because of the circumstances surrounding her and us. She said I needed a group therapy. Individual therapy is not needed here. But I don’t know if I agree. I honestly don’t have an opinion. I just thought since I’m here anyway I want to take out as much as I can out if my stay here. If she thinks I don’t need another hour a week, then why does J need one? We’re similar. Both have issues with anxiety. That’s why we’re here. So I don’t get what difference she sees between us.

Yeah I could ask for another therapist. But I don’t want to make her dislike me more. I would still see her in the hallways. It would be so awkward. I don’t think I could take it.

What I meant was that I tell her something about another guy said I was a woman, because “I have nice breasts”. So I told her “well ok whatever. It annoys me that people connect my gender with my physical appearance, hereby mixing my sex with my gender”. And she’s like “I can see that, but your way of dressing I generally sexy which sends signals telling people that you are interested in men”. I have no words. She mixes gender with sexuality. She doesn’t understand how I feel and that I’m just being myself, not trying to send any signals. And if I do send some I couldn’t care less, because I’m not going to change myself to please others. And we were talking about my gender the whole session on Thursday. I tried to change the subject once, but after a minute she said “but coming back to the gender topic”. And I just don’t want to talk about it with her. My gender is not why I’m in the psych ward. It’s not a problem. I know my gender, I don’t need to discuss it. I will just not start this subject ever again with her and hopefully we can leave this behind.

Yes, I still think so. My illnesses are making my life difficult, but agoraphobia makes it impossible. I think after agoraphobia comes depression. Because try and function with major chronic depression. It’s hard, really. Maybe self harm and ED after that, but it’s still, and it always have been, agoraphobia that was my number one problem. All of those things I told you before about it. And who knows? Maybe, just maybe, if I got my anxiety problems under control, then maybe I’d be less depressed. Because I could go out, have fun, have more friends. Maybe even go to a party or something! I could do all those crazy things that my peers were doing our whole lives while I was sitting at home. Would life make sense again? Would it be livable? Maybe even fun? I don’t know, but I want to know. I want to start living instead of just being alive. I could actually do things; how crazy does that sound! I mean, maybe life could even be exciting? Those are all speculations, so I want to find out myself.

J was the first person I told I relapsed. I told her through messages just before arriving at the hospital. And she said some very encouraging things. That she’s here for me. She will always help me. I can always count on her. She will hug me whenever needed. That I will get through this. And if I relapse for good then the two of us will be together forever living in a hospital. That last one was of course a joke, but it made me smile a bit, because it was funny and made me feel connected to her. She gets how I feel. She’s been there, so she will always understand like no person who hasn’t been where we are. I miss her. I mean I get to still see her on every weekday, but only for like an hour. And she’s on meds that make her less present that she used to be. I just miss spending the whole day with her and just talking about both stupid and important things. Keeping each other updated on everything. If I see her for an hour a day we can never do that. And we’re never alone, just the two of us anymore. We still text, and I’m so grateful for mobile phones, but it’s not the same as talking with her face to face unfortunately.

-October 15, 2018

OMG guess what J said. She said she loved me. In a friendship kinda way of course. And a few days ago I actually realized I love her too. In the same kinda way. And I told her that. And I get the feeling this friendship will last even if some day I’m not her absolutely best friend, if circumstances don’t tear us apart, we will probably stay in each other lives for a very very long time ^^

-October 16, 2018

Psych Ward – Part VIII (taken from messages to my therapist)

I’ve always felt so grateful that my mom doesn’t have more children. I know I would always feel less loved. Like the worse child. The one that disappoints. But I’m an only child and my mom loves me very much, and I’m honestly so thankful.

A feels so immature. I don’t know. Talking with him feels like babysitting. It’s hard to explain exactly why. But J feels the same way. I need to set boundaries. I’m happy to be pals with him, but nothing more. Oh and today I brought a lot of things for J l, and A said he’ll carry the bags. I said there was no need but he insisted. I let him, but his argument was “I’m a man and you’re a woman”. So I said that I wasn’t a woman. And he went “you are a woman.” So I said “no I am not” to which he replied “yes you are”. And this honestly made me so mad. No one, and I mean no one, is entitled to tell me what is my gender.

All the good things I have in my life give me strength. Everyone that makes me smile makes me stronger. But if there were locks in the toilet doors here, I would have cut myself yesterday. I’ve been literally planning a relapse. I’ve been thinking where I could self harm. I considered my car, but if I stained my seats. It wouldn’t be good. And J’s wounds are such a trigger. I have troubles saying how I feel. If I’m not asked specific questions by doctors, I will forget things because of anxiety. And I say that I’m ok. And they don’t take me too seriously. Not as much as others anyway. I wish they would ask more questions so that they could see that I’m really not feeling good.

Ahhhh our daily dressing plan is canceled since J can’t join us. But we’re planning to make it happen when she’s allowed to leave her wing and go wherever she wants to, as long as she doesn’t leave the building. We will dress like we planned then ^^

J went inpatient yesterday. Me and Ad bought a lot of sweets, Ad baked sweet croissants. She even gave two of them to my mom! We brought J things she didn’t think of while packing. Tea and coffee, towels and flip flops, cookies, I gave her sushi and basically she received 4 bags of thing from us. I am going to make sure she’s feeling fine in there no matter what. And I’m pretty sure Ad will too. We will visit her everyday. I don’t like how rude nurses are there. Another nurse was mean to us today. They sound like they hate their jobs and their lives and they’re just done.

There is a sofa in the art room where we always sit in the free time. It’s a sofa where people can sleep and sometimes they really do. I got up early today to but more things for J. And I was very tired. So I lied down and fell asleep on the sofa. I’ve never thought I would trust those people enough to fall asleep there. But I did. Which is nice ^^

-October 10, 2018

There’s this girl, inpatient as well. So ok ok, I am jealous I am officially jealous. I’m torn, because I really do want J to have more friends, but I would also love remain her best friend, and that girl is way cooler and smarter than me, so I guess I’m sbout to get replaced. I suppose there’s not much I can do. Either way I will support J and do anything I can to make her feel better. That won’t change. I just feel hurt is all. Upset

-October 10, 2018

About asking them to ask me more questions, that could be a good idea. If I’m brave enough I will try it. But I think I’m not an urgent case, so they don’t really care. I’ve no fresh cuts, so they think I’m not as important. My therapist there thinks I don’t need a second hour of individual therapy, like J has (and had even when she was outpatient). And my therapist was supposed to be responsible for setting my group therapy, but she says she didn’t know, and yet two weeks ago she knew it was her task. So I don’t know what’s going on. She was my 5th therapist, I think I told you before. And I was happy to work with her, because she was cool and I didn’t have to start therapy from the beginning, I could just continue it. But last week we were talking with J about how we still don’t have group therapy, how it’s such a shame that therapist was absent for one week and one session was canceled. And she took it personally as if we were attacking her, since she overheard our conversation. And I’m working with you (my online therapist) outside of the ward, I have not come back to her after returning from Italy. And those things combined made her, I think, like me less. I just feel she doesn’t like me very much. And she doesn’t understand my problems with stereotypical gender roles and she doesn’t fully get how I feel about myself genderwise. All of this have significantly lowered my comfort level when I’m with her. It stresses me out.

I know. Illnesses are not a competition. Logically I know, but emotionally I don’t. If I see someone with deeper scars I feel pathetic and like a fake. And its the same with people with an ed that are thinner that me or who vomit blood (I’ve been purging for over 5 years, often multiple times a day, but for some reason there was never blood). Like they’re “really sick” and I’m not. Or when someone with anxiety gets more panic attacks than I do. Or people with depression that are unable to leave their houses, while I can most of the times. Or people who actually tried to commit suicide, because I was close, but never actually did it. Or people with psychosis who have visual hallucinations. Only a small percentage of us actually see things, but still. If I’m not as sick then I’m not sick all. I’m not taken seriously. I know it’s not true. I realize and understand that my illness will always be different that anybody else’s and it’s hard to compare them and we require help no matter how serious our cases are. But the part that I’m not taken seriously is partially true. Because I am not taken AS seriously. Because other cases are more serious so who would care about my therapy. I was worse than I am now. So so much worse. Not better than people on inpatient program that I know. I should have been sent there when I hit rock bottom. But I wasn’t. No one offered. I tried to reach out for help to professionals, but I didn’t receive any help. I was so miserable and I was left alone. I didn’t know hospital could help. I cannot get over the fact that I have almost killed myself and no one helped me. One time I even almost died only half on purpose. I took a handful of painkillers l . That can be a lethal dose from what I’ve read later on. I didn’t want to die then really, I just wanted to hurt myself. Or stop the hitting. I don’t know. I wanted to do something. And I vomited the whole night. I’m not kidding. I spent around 12 hours in the bathroom vomiting bile, because there was nothing else in my stomach left. Why didn’t they take me to the hospital? Or later when I told my parents what was the real reason I got so sick, why even after it was known to my doctors and psychiatrist, why didn’t anyone do anything. I’m done. I don’t care anymore. I’m just done. They could never help me. They probably won’t help me now either.

I feel a bit better about this, because J said to me straight that this new girl, lets call her L, will not take my place. And that J is now referring to me as a best friend, and L is just a friend. But that’s for now, they will get to know each other better soon. But I also feel better, because L is now also my friend! Me, J, Ad, and L are a squad of friends. We have this group chat on WhatsApp and we all talk. We are all friends. And this is honestly so cool! And I’ve been texting with Ad the whole day yesterday. It was convenient, because through texts I get to say everything I mean to say. And we’ve found so many similarities between us. And she even invited me to a sleepover. I declined cause I don’t like spending nights outside of my home. But we’ve still been planning to meet up and watch cartoons together.

-October 13, 2018

Psych Ward -Part VII (taken from messages to my therapist)

J wrote that words get stuck in her throat. I asked if she could sigh or cough at least. Make any kind of sound. But she couldn’t. I sled her what I could do for her. She was very depressed. I asked her if there was anything I could do. I had some ideas of what could cheer her up, but she said she’d just paint (which she really enjoys) and she just wrote “I’m glad you’re here” to me. I’m so glad I could help her at all, even just by being here, I hope that knowing that she can trust me and tell me anything makes her not feel completely alone. Today she said something! She tried to solve that one riddle and she said very quietly “I don’t know” and she jumped surprised at herself and happy she’s making progress. It’s the third day today of her silence. But it’s going in the right direction. Maybe tomorrow she’ll say more.

They asked me to talk to the students from medical school; 5th year. I talked with them for an hour. In English. This was insane and I was so scared but they looked so kind and were smiling at me in the right moments and asking questions and it was so stressful, but I did it and now I get anxious just thinking about it, but I still did it, I made it through and I’m generally fine. And tomorrow is Friday and I will get to rest during the weekend.

J can whisper now!

-October 5, 2018

J talks. I’m so relieved

I feel a relapse coming. I’ve been clean for some time now, and it wasn’t easy even for a moment, I’ve dealt with triggers and urges all this time, but this time I feel like it’s going to happen. I will relapse. I will hurt myself. I just have such a strong urge. Not even right now, I just feel it inside, you know? Like the urges are piling up and they’re overwhelming me. I don’t think I can resist much longer

-October 5, 2018

In a few days my niece will be born. So now all my 3 half-siblings will have one kid. All my siblings had a huge fight with my dad that ended in years of no contact with him at all. I was always Andrew’s “best child”. I don’t know who he loves the most out of his children and grandchildren, but I’m jealous. I’m not sure why.

J and I are going shopping together, which I’m very excited about and I will surely enjoy it, even though I know for a fact that hours in the psych ward, meeting with A, and shopping with J all in one day will be too much for my body and mind. I will be exhausted and mentally drained, but I really do want to go shopping with J, so I will take it. I will just have to sleep a lot for the next 3 days.

-October 6, 2018

It’s pretty late now. I came back home today around 5:20 p.m. I’m very very tired, but it was so much fun. I mean shopping with J. The only way I prepared was mentally. I calmed myself down with music.

Today was a huge day for my and J’s bonding. She came to the hospital with fresh burns. Huge burns. Her boyfriend made her go to the nurses and show them. And the doctors asked her if she doesn’t maybe want to go inpatient. She said yes. The worst it gets is when she’s home. So she want to go inpatient. She’s scared, but she wants to. She told me about her past today. I had no idea how to react. She said it was fine, that she just wanted me to listen, and it was ok that I didn’t have any advices. I will be there for her, I just wish I could help more.

And she’s the first person ever that I talked to about that episode of my life when I’d take 3mmc. How I got addicted and even though they weren’t even close to hard drugs, they still took so much away from me and for two whole years made me crave it and I could barely ever think about anything else.

There are thoughts that trigger me, like thinking about my situation or my future or my worries. And stressful situations work like that too of course. But it’s just everything piling up until I break down. Or even the fact alone that I haven’t self harmed in so long is such a huge trigger. The fact that my scars are fading to the skin color. It feels like I need to make up for that. Like I need to make new wounds. I don’t know what it is. Sometimes I’m sitting, minding my own business and then I suddenly get such a huge urge out of nowhere.

Today I danced before J and Ad! Oh wow! I’ve only danced before my mom before. They liked it! They want to learn the dances. They asked me to teach them. Well I will if that’s what they want. I’ll be happy to, in fact!

And the three of us made a plan of how we’ll dress in funny ways throughout this week. Tomorrow it’s Christmas time day, so we wear things related to Christmas. And then it’s a onesie pajama day. Then it’s Harry Potter day. And Friday is cosplaying as Livien day 😂 the will dress like me, my style. This is gonna be fun I think. I’m embarrassed to walk in the hospital in pajama. But hey, this is a psych ward. If there is any place where dressing funny is considered normal, it’s here. So heck, why not make use of that

-October 8, 2018

J is going inpatient now. She’s packing. I won’t see her for a week. Then she’ll probably be allowed to roam free throughout most of the ward, so she’ll be able to “visit” us. I don’t want her to go. I mean, I do. This will help her. She’s done such a huge damage to her body lately. She needs to go inpatient. She wants to. But I just don’t want to be left without here here.

-October 9, 2018

Those nurses made her stand up by force when she got a panic attack. She came out crying her eyes out. What if she stopped talking again?I’m so ridiculously fucking mad. I was prepared to yell at the bitch nurses, but no one was there when we were leaving the bathroom when I tried to camp J down. My agoraphobia stops me from doing many things, but if it’s my friends’ well-being I will fight and bite. I’m making sushi for J right now. She once said it was her favorite food.

She needs to talk to the doctors, so they can tell those unprofessional asshole nurses how to do their fucking job

-October 9, 2018

Learning To Live Again

As the time went by I had to slowly accept that the very bad state of my mental health has made me a disabled person. I do have a disability ID, I can’t work, I can’t attend school, hell I can barely leave my home.

At first I didn’t want to accept my state. I knew it was very bad, even way before even getting diagnosed. I didn’t want to accept that I will be unable to attend university. I have always dreamed about it after all. I did go to one, I failed the first semester. It was very hard for me, not only my anxiety problems stopped me from attending lectured, and then the material we were going through was insanely difficult to me, I would never ask for help, because of said anxiety. And I could just see that it would be so much fun without the anxiety ruining it. The freedom, the internet classes, the people who would probably be friendly if I approached them. It was so different from high school, I wanted it and I thought I would manage somehow.

I even tried university one more time a year later, and I lasted 2 days.

But at some point I had to accept the fact that I have to leave off of my mom’s and money, and I got a bit of financial support from the government (which is seriously not a lot, because it’s Poland we’re talking about after all).

I had to accept I will not be meeting many people. I will not have many friends. I won’t be a programmer. Any plans, or more like faint hopes, for the future, I had to say goodbye to them.

And so I was put at home! I had to turn my life around. Most of responsibilities disappeared. There was no need to get up at 6:30 am anymore. There was no homework, ever. No tests and exams. No projects to turn in. No deadlines at all. Nothing I absolutely HAD to do. I picked up Japanese at my own free will, and I set my own pace. And if I don’t feel like studying I can take a break as long as I want. It all depends only on me. I plan my days. I most read books and manga, draw, study Japanese, play video games, exercise a bit, and at times I just do nothing at all. I had to set my own pace to everything. This life is totally different from anything I had ever known. And it’s fine. Of course I still get sad at times, thinking about everything I’m missing out on, but right now, here in my home, it’s alright.

Days pass by very quickly. I’m never bored. I don’t know which day of week it is anymore. I leave my home mostly because I’m going grocery shopping with my mom. It’s very scary to go, but I do. I have an online therapist and I am trying to make progress still. It’s true I have been at the psych ward recently. For 4 months. I was fine, because there was no judgment or deadlines either. The anxiety was eating me alive, but it was so different from what school is like, I made it through. But now it’s back to home.

All in all I want to say that I turned my daily life around, and although I do have regrets, this life is livable. Suicidal tendencies are easier on me for the time being. I can enjoy things and I can smile. I’m lonely for the most part, but at the same time I’m free. I never thought I would or could live like I am now, but it’s not half bad. I make it work.

For now this is how it is. I’m making the most of it. I’m doing my best. I will be ok.

Psych Ward Part VI (taken from messages to my therapist)

Today in the ward a new girl came. She’s a patient. And I’m no longer the youngest person there, because she’s 22, so a year younger than me. She’s very pretty and has 12 tattoos. 2 big ones and 10 very very small and simple ones, all super cool! Her name’s Ad. I know she has an eating disorder, cause she’s told me. But I don’t know much more about her. I will gladly try to become her friend. Who knows, maybe we’ll click?

I’ve spent a lot of time with J today. After billiards we went to a few shops together, and if I spend so much time with a person, I’m freaking sure I said too much, I was annoying and sounded stupid. And she hates me now. I just hope that’s not true, but… I will find out tomorrow

-October 1, 2018

J had 2 panic attack today. I helped her through both alongside with our other friend, but after the second panic attack she couldn’t speak? She wrote to us on paper. She wrote that the very thought of speaking makes her clench her teeth and it hurt. So we went to the nurses and they gave her Lorafen which is a medicine that’s supposed to relax you (my mom took it as a sleeping pill for a long time; very addicting medicine) and it helped, because she could open her mouth, but she still couldn’t speak, and she was annoyed and confused, because this has never happened to her before. We waved goodbye and she was still silent. I hope she’s ok.

I think Ad is cool. I know her for 2 days, so I don’t know much yet, but what I know is that when we talk there is no awkward silences, because we just keep talking and talking and we have so much to say to each other, so having conversations with her is fun. Maybe we could become friends all three of us? It could be fun. I don’t like to think about those things too much because I don’t like disappointment. So I’ll just let the time flow and I’ll just see how it is. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

When we’re alone in the room, me and J, we tell each other more than normally. Things she doesn’t want others to hear. Which makes me feel special, because she doesn’t tell that to others there. And she has had it hard in the past. She told me that when she tells me about it I would be the 4th person to know. She said “when I tell you”, not “if I tell you” which made me feel pretty special as well!

I’m so very tired. Tired from today, but also tired in general. I need like 4 days of not leaving my home. I have no idea how the heck would I be supposed to go to school. Idk if it’s my meds or illness or what, but I get exhausted so easily.

-October 2, 2018

After the night, J is still silent. I want to help, but idk how.

-October 3, 2018

I left my cup of tea in another room, and it tastes weird, so I guess I just drank poison.

-October 3, 2018

Well I’m alive. Must have not been enough poison added to my drink. Or there wasn’t any poison. You never know. But it did taste funny.

They say to give J time. That this will pass in a few days.

-October 3, 2018

Psych Ward Part V (taken from messages to my therapist)

Comparing yourself won’t bring anything good. I mean, it probably could, in a healthy way for motivation or something. But that’s beside the point. In my situation comparing myself to my friends, family, and siblings is not good at all. And I understand that. But my feelings don’t get that. So how can I change how I think about myself? How do I not hate myself. I always assumed that I just needed to get stronger and improve and become a better person, and then it would just happen. But it’s been years and I still hate myself. And at this point I’ve lost the ability to tell if I’m really just not improving at all, or if I am and it just doesn’t matter in the end, because I will hate myself anyway. People have different things to say, even going as far as saying that no one will love me until I learn how to love myself (which i disagree with, or at least I hope it’s not true), but basically saying it’s important to love yourself. I think I should start slowly. Maybe love is a bit too much for start, but how about accepting myself first? But I still have no idea where to start with it. How do you just learn to accept yourself? I don’t know if I’m capable of it, but… I’m honestly so very tired of hating myself. If you were constantly with someone who was mean to you, calling you names, telling you you won’t succeed; just was awful, awful to you, how could you possibly feel happy and carefree? If it was anyone but me, I’d break my friendship with them and block their number. But it’s me and I can’t cut myself off. I’m stuck with me here. How do I fix the relationship with the judging part of myself? If I try to tell myself something nice about myself I feel like I’m betraying myself. It feels wrong. I can’t stand thinking positively about myself. Trying something obvious like saying something nice about myself everyday before mirror won’t work and it will only make me angry.

The boy came to the hospital yesterday regardless of the fact that they specifically said he’s not allowed to. He told A to pretend he didn’t see him there. Now he’s just more careful about who sees him. I see him here and there sitting next to his girlfriend, embracing each other. I was in one group with her on this therapy kind of thing. She has a beautiful mermaid tattoo, and a nose piercing (which surprised me, cause he was always against those things). I don’t know if I like her yet. But I had an urge to take her somewhere private and tell her that if she hurts him, I will break her legs. But of course I didn’t, it was just an urge. But then I’ve learned the boy is generally not liked there and it might be actually him who’s not acting ok towards her. I’m lost, but I honestly don’t care anymore. It’s not my place to butt in. Let them resolve their own problems. I’m just curious if he’s diagnosed with something other than depression and oh! I’m curious what kind of person is she. But if I won’t find out, I’m fine with that. It just makes me mad that he’s coming there. It gives me anxiety. Not like a lot of it, but still. I mean, can’t he meet with her after she leaves the hospital?

It’s true; thinking about death generally brings me comfort. It’s reassuring knowing that I will die no matter what I do. Even if I mess up big time, I will still die and my mistakes will disappear with me. “I can end this at any time. Feeling this way puts me at ease a little”. If my death can’t have such a huge meaning, then I still want it to have any meaning at al. “If you don’t live for something, you will die for nothing”. Then if I can’t die for N, then I want to live for something, and then my death won’t be meaningless either.

And me and J and A are still not assigned to any group therapy. But me and J have the same psychologist so she will assign us to one. And J said she would like to be in one group with me, and I’d really like that too. So I thought maybe she actually liked me? I have someone like me! And it’s such an awesome person like J too! I was moved when she said that.

-September 29, 2018

think we (me and J) have a good influence on each other. We talk about our problems, being curious about each other, and we can ask personal questions like for example she’s asked me how long does it usually take me to purge. But we’ve never shared like tips and tricks to unhealthy behaviors. I’ve never explained how to use your fingers to effectively purge. She’s never told me how to cut deeper. And things like that. It’s the opposite. I told her about the butterfly project and I try my best to help her through her panic attacks, and I explain to her one by one what causes paranoia in me and how to act if I get paranoid. We’re slowly learning how to function so that we both feel comfortable with each other! And I’m her first friend since forever! I have my bff and my mom and some online friend. She had no one. Like absolutely no one. I have no competition so I get to be her friend. I mean I do wish for her to find lots of friends in the future, but I hope she won’t forget about me later on. In the hospital we’re always together. We talk with a lot of other people, but always together. And we feel braver when together. And understood. So we’d feel more confident in one group in therapy. We could metaphorically (or literally if needed) hold each other’s hands while we try and talk with the group about our problems and walk through therapy.

My dad, Andrew, might have Parkinson’s. My nurse aunt says it’s possible to delay symptoms significantly with today’s medicine. He might even become better at tennis if he’s on medicine! I’m very anxious about the whole thing, but he’s promised to go to the doctor. He’s going tomorrow. If he does indeed have the disease then I hope it’s not too advanced, I mean it shouldn’t, I see him almost every day, he’s not in a critical condition. Oh and he might be a better driver again! My aunt said it might be Parkinson’s and I’m glad she did, because I hope he’ll get treated properly and feel better. But I’m scared to eat the diagnosis. “Parkinson’s disease” sounds very scary.

-September 30, 2018